Okay … gotta ‘fess up here: I first produced and published this piece a few years ago … but, considerin’ the Christmas season is here again (and what an ingenius idea it was, time-stamping it to refresh every 365 days! WOW!!), I thought it’d be apro … apropri … cool to play it again today for yer readin’ pleasure. So, enjoy if ya can:Hey, little rockaholics … how ’bout gatherin’ ’round and let Uncle Relic read y’all a real good Christmas story, okay??
It’s called … well, it usedta be called The Night Before Christmas but, ummmm, I … well, I sorta added a few, er, afterthoughts to it.
Awwww, c’monnn … let’s try it out, and see whatcha think:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (skeptic’s version)
(NOTE: These remarks are, in no way, a reflection of this writer’s feelings. As far as I know. Well, maybe …)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
(so they have MICE? THAT’S UNSANITARY! Why can't they go down to the hardware store and get some D-Con™ traps?)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
(Geez ... these poor folks don’t even have a working washer-dryer!)
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(Hmmm ... maybe the last name of the washer repairman?)
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(Awww. while MOST kids go to sleep thinkin’ of CARS, GAMES or SEX, they’re thinkin’ FOOD! Tsk … poor, starving waifs …)
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
(Suuuure: Man and wife, kids in bed, naked except for kerchief and cap. To sleep. Uh-huh …)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
(Probably just a stray dog. Why be so PARANOID?? Oh … that’s right: They’re, uh, “SLEEPing”! Besides: "spring"? Hmph ... his WIFE probably kicked his butt out to see what it was ...)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(Well, if he hadn’t eaten the sash to begin with … poor nutrition habits! [Huh? I dunno ... I guess it's imitation JAPANESE food or somethin' ... obviously, the KIDS didn't eat it. They're STARVING!])
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
(Now, why “breast”? Why not “mantle” or “lawn”? Sounds sexist to me! Oh, wait … they were “SLEEPING” … so I guess his mind was on … er, SLEEP. Yeah! Sounds about right …)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
(Yeah … right. “Little old” drivers are rarely “lively and quick”. Seen the HIGHWAYS lately?)
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
(Gotta admit ... it's the strangest entrance I've ever seen for a washer repairman!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
(what exactly IS a "COURSER?")
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
(Awww, geez ... he’s gonna wake up the KIDS, who are dreaming of “sugar plums” …)
Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
("now" WHAT?!?)
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
("ON" what??)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
(Now, WHY doesn’t he use the DRIVEWAY like everyone ELSE?)
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
(Dash away all of what? That bearded bozo better leave my stuff alone and get to fixin’ that washin’ machine!)
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
(Umm … dude, it’s snowing! How’dya know if there ARE leaves??)
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
(can anyone explain this line?)
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
(I ask ya again: what’s a friggin’ COURSER?? Thoughtcha had REINdeer, bubba …)
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
(sounds like ol’ SC was an afterthought! Oh … and forget the toys; let’s fricasee those REINDEER! Should taste better than “sash”!)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(Come ONNNN! They’re gonna wake the kids, I tell ya! An’ who’s gonna replace those SHINGLES??)
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
(was he drawin’ it back to BUST that dude for makin’ all that racket?)
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
(waitaminnit. Isn’t that “entering without breaking”? And why was he carrying a “bound”? Is that North Pole “street cred” for a WEAPON or somethin’??)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(Awwww, CRAP! There goes the clean CARPET! Well, with the exception of the mouse droppings … )
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
(It’s late … strange dude looks like a peddler, breaking in through chimney … yep: five to ten at San Quentin at least!)
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
(WHOA! Sounds like daddy was gettin’ turned ON by the dude in red!)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
(Man, this cat’s gonna set off the SMOKE DETECTOR!! An’ if the man’s WIFE hears that, she’s gonna hit the ROOF… and THAT'LL knock off all those tiny REINDEER! And then PETA will be on THEIR backs and …)
He had a broad face and a little round belly
that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
(almost sounds like some bizarre PORNOGRAPHY, doesn’t it??)
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(like HECK it didn’t … didn’t Linda Blair do the same thing in “Exorcist”?)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(WAIT!! What … what was the “jerk” doing with him? When’d HE come into the picture?)
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(HE’S GONNA BLOW A BOOGER!! HE’S A REDNECK! I KNEW IT!!)
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(oh …)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
(hmph — earlier he called 'em by name. Now he just whistles for ‘em?)
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(what the heck?? Since when does a thistle have DOWN??)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
(AWWW, WOULDN'T YA KNOW? HE WOKE UP THE KIDS WITH ALL THAT CLATTER! NOW, ALONG WITH SCARED YOUNG'UNS, THE OWNER’S GOT
Pity, isn’t it??
Awww, the heck with it … MERPYSONS CHRISTOLIDINGS! (Well, it’s now 2011, and we’ve gotta be careful with our greeting, kids … so I've combined them all into one!)
ROCKNOTE: The above greeting was one coined as a collaboration between The Relic and Lloyd Thaxton in 2006. As so many “politically correct” people wanna downplay the “CHRISTmas” thing, and others don’t see it as a HOLIDAY, we just combined “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings” all in one.
See ya on the flip side, when we get back to norml … normle ... ummm, something like that ...
(NOTE: These remarks are, in no way, a reflection of this writer’s feelings. As far as I know. Well, maybe …)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
(so they have MICE? THAT’S UNSANITARY! Why can't they go down to the hardware store and get some D-Con™ traps?)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
(Geez ... these poor folks don’t even have a working washer-dryer!)
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(Hmmm ... maybe the last name of the washer repairman?)
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(Awww. while MOST kids go to sleep thinkin’ of CARS, GAMES or SEX, they’re thinkin’ FOOD! Tsk … poor, starving waifs …)
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
(Suuuure: Man and wife, kids in bed, naked except for kerchief and cap. To sleep. Uh-huh …)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
(Probably just a stray dog. Why be so PARANOID?? Oh … that’s right: They’re, uh, “SLEEPing”! Besides: "spring"? Hmph ... his WIFE probably kicked his butt out to see what it was ...)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(Well, if he hadn’t eaten the sash to begin with … poor nutrition habits! [Huh? I dunno ... I guess it's imitation JAPANESE food or somethin' ... obviously, the KIDS didn't eat it. They're STARVING!])
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
(Now, why “breast”? Why not “mantle” or “lawn”? Sounds sexist to me! Oh, wait … they were “SLEEPING” … so I guess his mind was on … er, SLEEP. Yeah! Sounds about right …)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
(Yeah … right. “Little old” drivers are rarely “lively and quick”. Seen the HIGHWAYS lately?)
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
(Gotta admit ... it's the strangest entrance I've ever seen for a washer repairman!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
(what exactly IS a "COURSER?")
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
(Awww, geez ... he’s gonna wake up the KIDS, who are dreaming of “sugar plums” …)
Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
("now" WHAT?!?)
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
("ON" what??)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
(Now, WHY doesn’t he use the DRIVEWAY like everyone ELSE?)
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
(Dash away all of what? That bearded bozo better leave my stuff alone and get to fixin’ that washin’ machine!)
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
(Umm … dude, it’s snowing! How’dya know if there ARE leaves??)
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
(can anyone explain this line?)
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
(I ask ya again: what’s a friggin’ COURSER?? Thoughtcha had REINdeer, bubba …)
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
(sounds like ol’ SC was an afterthought! Oh … and forget the toys; let’s fricasee those REINDEER! Should taste better than “sash”!)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(Come ONNNN! They’re gonna wake the kids, I tell ya! An’ who’s gonna replace those SHINGLES??)
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
(was he drawin’ it back to BUST that dude for makin’ all that racket?)
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
(waitaminnit. Isn’t that “entering without breaking”? And why was he carrying a “bound”? Is that North Pole “street cred” for a WEAPON or somethin’??)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(Awwww, CRAP! There goes the clean CARPET! Well, with the exception of the mouse droppings … )
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
(It’s late … strange dude looks like a peddler, breaking in through chimney … yep: five to ten at San Quentin at least!)
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
(WHOA! Sounds like daddy was gettin’ turned ON by the dude in red!)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
(Man, this cat’s gonna set off the SMOKE DETECTOR!! An’ if the man’s WIFE hears that, she’s gonna hit the ROOF… and THAT'LL knock off all those tiny REINDEER! And then PETA will be on THEIR backs and …)
He had a broad face and a little round belly
that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
(almost sounds like some bizarre PORNOGRAPHY, doesn’t it??)
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(like HECK it didn’t … didn’t Linda Blair do the same thing in “Exorcist”?)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(WAIT!! What … what was the “jerk” doing with him? When’d HE come into the picture?)
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(HE’S GONNA BLOW A BOOGER!! HE’S A REDNECK! I KNEW IT!!)
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(oh …)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
(hmph — earlier he called 'em by name. Now he just whistles for ‘em?)
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(what the heck?? Since when does a thistle have DOWN??)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
(AWWW, WOULDN'T YA KNOW? HE WOKE UP THE KIDS WITH ALL THAT CLATTER! NOW, ALONG WITH SCARED YOUNG'UNS, THE OWNER’S GOT
- A CHIMNEY TO CLEAN
- SOOTY FOOTPRINTS TO VACUUM
- LYSOL TO SPRAY, TO GET THAT FRIGGIN' PIPE SMOKE OUTTA THE ROOM
- THE KIDS TO CALM DOWN and get back to (ahem!) “sugarplum-land”.
- AN UNSATISFIED NEARLY-NEKKID WIFE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HE WAS MAKIN’ EYES AT SANTA …
- A POSSIBLE POLICE REPORT TO FILE
Pity, isn’t it??
Awww, the heck with it … MERPYSONS CHRISTOLIDINGS! (Well, it’s now 2011, and we’ve gotta be careful with our greeting, kids … so I've combined them all into one!)
ROCKNOTE: The above greeting was one coined as a collaboration between The Relic and Lloyd Thaxton in 2006. As so many “politically correct” people wanna downplay the “CHRISTmas” thing, and others don’t see it as a HOLIDAY, we just combined “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings” all in one.
See ya on the flip side, when we get back to norml … normle ... ummm, something like that ...
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